A communication spell for an ex is a ritual that works on the quiet between the two of you. It does not make a phone ring. It clears what is sitting on the line, steadies you so your first words land well, and invites a conversation your ex is free to take up or leave alone.
Baba Ali Musa uses it alongside a practical plan for the first message, the first call and the first meeting, because the ritual and the words need each other. A candle without a good opening line gets you silence. A good opening line without any settling work often gets you a message you regret sending at 1 a.m.
This guide is about one specific moment: reopening dialogue with a former partner. It is not the broad overview of communication work for couples, and it is not the step-by-step method for breaking a long no-contact period. It covers what the spell is for, how to prepare, what to actually say in the first exchange, how to carry a real conversation once it starts, and what to do in the awkward cases, such as an ex who has moved on, lives far away, or shares children with you.
Communication Spells for an Ex: Reopening the Door to Conversation
In the West African and New Orleans traditions Baba Ali works from, communication work is old and ordinary. Families lit candles and set out honey before an important conversation, a reconciliation between relatives, a difficult visit. The idea is simple. Words travel better through a clean, calm room, and a person who has prepared their own heart speaks differently than one who is shaking with nerves.
A communication spell for an ex applies that idea to a breakup. It usually has three parts. The first is clearing, which means settling the anger, shame, longing or panic that would leak into your message. The second is opening, which means asking, through candle, herbs and prayer, that the road between you and your ex be free of the static that built up after the split. The third is sweetening, which means softening the tone of whatever happens next, so that a first exchange feels safe rather than loaded.
Notice what is missing from that list. Nothing in it takes away your ex’s choice. A responsible practitioner does not claim to dictate what another adult thinks, feels or types. Baba Ali describes the work as setting conditions: you become clearer, the atmosphere between you becomes less hostile, and your ex stays entirely free to answer, to wait, or to say no. If someone promises you a message on a fixed schedule, treat that as a warning sign about the seller, not a feature of the spell.
How This Guide Differs From the Other Communication Guides
This site already covers neighboring ground, and it helps to know which page answers which question.
- If you and your ex have gone completely silent for weeks or months and you want a timeline for breaking the silence, read how to reopen communication after no contact. That guide is built around the silence itself.
- If you want the wider picture of communication work for any couple, including partners who still live together, see communication spells for love.
- If you want the version of this work aimed at getting an ex to reach out first, the contact me spells guide covers that request on its own terms.
This page sits in the middle. It assumes you have decided, for good reasons, that you want to talk to your ex. It focuses on the conversation: what the first words are, how the ritual supports them, and how to keep the second and third exchanges from collapsing into the old argument.
Why the First Conversation With an Ex Is Different
Talking to an ex is not like talking to a friend you lost touch with. Both of you carry a history that neither of you can see in the other person’s head. Your ex may remember the breakup as a betrayal while you remember it as a mutual decision, or the reverse. Every sentence in the first conversation gets read through that unseen history.
Three things make this conversation unusually fragile.
First, there is no shared script. When you talk to a coworker, you both know the rules. With an ex, nobody knows whether this is a friendly check-in, an apology, an opening toward getting back together, or a trap. People tend to guess the worst, because the worst is what hurt last time.
Second, the stakes are lopsided in the mind of the person who sends the message. You have been rehearsing for days. Your ex is reading it between errands, with no idea you have been rehearsing. A line that took you an hour to polish can feel abrupt to someone who simply sees it appear on a lock screen.
Third, the old patterns wake up fast. Couples who ended on a fight tend to fall back into the same tone within three or four messages. That is why a plan for the first conversation matters more than a plan for the first message. Getting a reply is the easy part. Keeping the exchange kind is the work.
Before You Say Anything: Four Readiness Checks
Baba Ali asks the same four questions before he prepares any communication work for an ex. They are as useful to you as they are to him, and they cost nothing.
1. Can you hear silence back without falling apart?
Imagine you send the message and nothing comes for a week. If that picture makes your stomach drop to the floor, you are not ready, because you will treat silence as a verdict and send a second, third and fourth message. Wait until a quiet reply feels disappointing but survivable.
2. Do you know what you actually want from the conversation?
There are honest answers: closure, an apology you owe, a practical matter, a friendship, a real attempt at reconciliation. There are also murky ones: to see whether they still care, to make them jealous, to win the last word. Your first message should serve the honest answer, and your ex will usually sense which one you picked.
3. Is there a reason your ex would want to hear from you?
Think about how the relationship ended. If you were the one who caused harm, the door may need an apology first, with no request attached. If your ex asked for space and you have given it, a short, easy message may be welcome. If your ex asked you directly to stop contacting them, that is a clear answer, and the rest of this guide is not for you.
4. Are you safe, and is your ex safe?
Some breakups end for reasons that have nothing to do with miscommunication: control, threats, intimidation, violence. In those cases silence is protection, not a problem to be solved with a spell. If that is your history, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offers confidential support, and the right step is not a ritual to reopen the line.
If you passed all four checks, you are ready to prepare. If you hesitated on one or two, take that as information and wait a few more weeks. Nothing you want from this works better when it is rushed.
A Simple Preparation Ritual Before You Reach Out
Baba Ali keeps the home version of this work short and plain. It is meant to settle you, not to replace professional work. Set aside twenty to thirty quiet minutes in the evening, ideally on a night when nothing else is demanding your attention.
- Clear the space. Open a window, wash your hands, and put your phone in another room. The point is to separate this moment from the scrolling that usually fills it.
- Light a blue or white candle. Blue is associated with speech and clarity in this tradition, and white stands for peace. Use a plain taper or a small jar candle. Do not carve anything into it that names or restrains your ex.
- Write your honest sentence. On a sheet of paper, write one plain line about what you want from the conversation, for example: “I want to speak kindly and listen well.” Keep it about your own conduct.
- Place a small dish of honey beside the candle. Honey stands for sweetness in speech. Spoon a little onto your tongue if you like, and say out loud: “May my words be gentle and may what I hear be heard clearly.”
- Sit with the candle for ten minutes. Breathe slowly. When thoughts of your ex arise, let them be there without arguing with them. If anger rises, name it quietly and let it burn down with the flame.
- Close the work. Thank the ancestors or whatever you hold sacred, and let the candle burn out safely or snuff it, never leaving it unattended.
Afterward, write your first message by hand before you type it. Wait until the next morning to decide whether to send it. This single habit, the overnight pause, prevents more damage than any ritual ever will.
Choosing the Channel: Text, Call or In Person
The channel matters as much as the words. A useful rule is to match your first contact to the least demanding channel your history allows, and let your ex set the pace of moving to a more intimate one.
A text or direct message is the lowest-pressure option. It can be answered at any time, ignored without drama, and read more than once. For a first contact after a breakup, it is almost always the right choice.
A phone call is higher pressure because it demands an immediate response. Do not open with a call unless that was how the two of you always communicated, or unless something practical really cannot wait. Even then, a short text asking whether now is a good time is kinder than an unexpected ring.
An in-person meeting is the highest-pressure option, and a surprise visit is never a good idea. Showing up at someone’s workplace or home turns a request for conversation into an ambush. If an in-person talk is the goal, let it arise from a few friendly written exchanges, and propose something public, short and neutral, such as coffee for thirty minutes.
The ladder, in order, runs from a short message, to a few days of light back-and-forth, to a phone call, to a brief public meeting. Skipping a rung usually costs you more time than it saves.
First-Message Scripts That Work for Different Situations
These are starting points, not magic phrases. Change the words until they sound like you. A message that sounds written by someone else is easy to spot.
When the breakup was mutual and calm
“Hi, I was thinking about you today and wanted to say hello. I hope you’re doing well. No pressure to reply.”
It is short, it asks nothing, and the last line removes the weight of obligation. If the breakup was calm, this alone is often enough.
When you owe an apology
“I’ve been thinking about how things ended, and I want to say I’m sorry for how I handled [specific thing]. You don’t need to answer. I just wanted you to hear it from me.”
Name one specific thing, not a vague “everything.” Do not add a request, and do not add the word “but.” An apology with a request attached stops being an apology and becomes a bargain.
When your ex asked for space and enough time has passed
“I’ve kept my distance since you asked, and I’ve respected that. If you’re open to it, I’d like to say hello sometime. If not, I understand.”
This shows you listened. It hands the choice back to them, which is the single most reassuring thing you can do for a person who once needed distance from you.
When something practical is the reason
“Hi, quick question about [the lease, the dog, the box of your things]. Are you free to sort it out this week?”
Keep practical messages practical. Do not use a logistics question as a Trojan horse for emotional talk. If something warmer happens afterward, let it happen on its own.
When you were the one who ended it, and you have been wondering
“I know I’m the last person you might expect to hear from. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’d like to talk, only if you’re willing. Take whatever time you need.”
If you left, expect a cooler reply than you want. That is fair. Do not argue with the tone.
What to leave out of any first message
- Long paragraphs. Under forty words is a good limit.
- Questions that need a heavy answer, such as “Do you ever think about us?”
- Mention of spells, rituals or “signs” you received. This will sound strange or frightening to most people.
- Guilt, as in “I guess you’ve forgotten me.”
- Emoji walls, jokes about the breakup, or old pet names.
Running the First Real Conversation
Suppose your ex answers. Now you have a different job: to be easy to talk to. Here is the structure Baba Ali suggests, whether the exchange is text, phone or in person.
Start small and stay present
Ask about something concrete and current, such as work, a trip, their family, a hobby they used to enjoy. Listen to the answer and respond to what they actually said. Many people lose a promising first conversation by waiting for their turn to talk about themselves.
Match their pace
If your ex writes two lines, do not reply with ten. If they take six hours to answer, do not follow up in twenty minutes. Matching length and speed tells them you are not going to crowd them, which is exactly what they are watching for.
Keep the breakup out of it, at first
The first conversation is rarely the right place to review who did what. Wait until a few light exchanges have built a little trust. If your ex raises the breakup, listen first. Say something like “That makes sense. Thank you for telling me.” Defending yourself in the first conversation turns it into a trial.
Use the gentle start-up
Relationship researchers at the Gottman Institute describe four patterns that damage conversations between partners: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Their research points to starting hard topics softly, which means describing how you feel and what you need without blaming. You can read their description of those patterns in the Gottman Institute’s article on the Four Horsemen. An ex is likely to be highly alert to all four, so a first conversation that avoids them stands out.
End on your own terms, early
Close the first exchange before it runs out of steam. “I’m glad we talked. I’ll let you go.” leaves a good taste and leaves room for another conversation. Dragging a chat on until it fizzles does the opposite.
The First Phone Call or Meeting: A Short Plan
If a few written exchanges go well and your ex agrees to a call or a coffee, prepare lightly. Over-preparation shows.
- Set a time limit in advance. “Do you have twenty minutes?” is easier to accept than an open-ended request.
- Pick a neutral place. A public cafe works. Avoid anywhere heavy with shared memories, and avoid anywhere alcohol is the main attraction.
- Arrive calm. Repeat the short candle breathing from your ritual in the car or on the walk over. Settle your shoulders. Put the phone away.
- Open with warmth. “It’s good to see you” is a full sentence. You do not need a speech.
- Let silences breathe. A pause is not a failure. People under stress fill pauses with the wrong words.
- Ask one real question and listen to the whole answer. “What’s the best thing that’s happened to you lately?” is good. Interrogations are not.
- Do not ask where this is going. Not today. Give the meeting its own value.
- End it a little early. Thank them. If there is warmth, say you’d like to talk again. Leave the next step open.
Signs the Conversation Is Actually Opening
People watch for dramatic signs and miss ordinary ones. Here is what a real reopening tends to look like:
- Your ex answers with more than a single word, or asks you a question back.
- Their replies arrive faster over a few days instead of slower.
- They bring up a shared joke, a place or a memory without bitterness.
- They mention their own life in some detail, which shows they are letting you in.
- The conversation starts to feel easy again, even briefly.
Signs that it is not opening are equally ordinary: one-word replies that never grow, long gaps with no questions, polite answers that close each topic, or an explicit request to stop. Take those at face value. Pressing against a clear signal harms both of you, and no ritual changes what an adult has plainly said.
When the First Reply Is Cold, Short or Absent
A cold reply is not the end. Many people answer coolly the first time because they are still deciding what they feel. Respond once, warmly and briefly: “Thanks for answering. I hope your week goes well.” Then stop. Do not chase the temperature up.
If there is no reply at all, wait at least two to three weeks before any second message, and make it lighter than the first. If a second message also draws silence, you have your answer for now. Put the candle away, return to your own life, and leave the door unlocked without standing in it. Baba Ali often tells people that the most useful thing about this work is learning to be the sort of person who can send one honest message and then go on living.
Edge Cases That Need Their Own Approach
Your ex has moved on or is dating someone new
Do not send a message designed to unsettle the new relationship. If you want to speak to your ex at all, keep it short, respectful and free of any hint of competition: a brief hello, an apology you owe, or a practical matter. Many people in this spot are better served by a love reading consultation before any contact, because the question is often whether to reach out at all, not what to say.
You live in different cities or countries
Distance changes the channel ladder. A short message is still the best first step, and a video call can replace the coffee meeting. Time zones matter more than people think. A message that lands at 3 a.m. their time says something you did not mean to say. Schedule around their day.
You share children, a lease, a business or a pet
You already have an ongoing channel, so the question is tone, not access. Keep logistics clean and civil, and let any warmer conversation grow separately from the practical one. If you mix them, your ex may stop answering the practical messages to avoid the emotional ones, and the children or the lease suffer.
You have been blocked
A block is a clear boundary. Do not ask friends to relay messages, create new accounts, or show up elsewhere to get around it. If it was set in anger, it may be lifted in time, but the choice belongs to your ex. Use that period for the preparation work above, and nothing more.
Mutual friends are involved
Resist the urge to use friends as messengers or informants. Asking a friend “Has she said anything about me?” puts them in the middle and often gets back to your ex. Conduct your own conversations yourself.
Someone else’s influence sits between you
Sometimes a relative, a former partner or a friend keeps stirring the pot. Baba Ali sees this often enough to treat it as its own category of work. If you think outside pressure is what is keeping you and your ex apart, clearing third-party interference addresses that directly, without assuming anyone is a villain.
Where Professional Spiritual Work Fits In
The home ritual above is for steadying yourself. Some people want more, and Baba Ali offers several kinds of work that match different situations.
A honey jar sweetening spell is the closest match to this guide. Honey jar work is built around softening the tone between two people, which is exactly what a first conversation needs. It does not order your ex to speak. It works on the sweetness of the atmosphere in which you both speak.
A reconciliation spell is for people who want more than a conversation, who want to rebuild something with their ex and are honestly open to what that takes. It is deeper and slower work, and it fits best after the first exchanges are going well.
If your situation has many strands, such as a messy ending, an unclear relationship status or an ex who may have someone new, a love reading consultation comes first. A reading helps Baba Ali see which of these kinds of work suits your situation, and it often shows you that the best next step is something quieter than you expected. For readers who are trying to get an ex back in a wider sense, the spells to get your ex back page lays out how the larger work is arranged.
In every case, a clear head matters more than an expensive ritual. Anyone who tells you that paying more will compel a reply is not describing real traditional work.
What a Communication Spell for an Ex Cannot Do
An honest guide has to say this plainly. A communication spell cannot rewrite your ex’s feelings, erase a breakup’s causes, or promise a reply on a given day. It cannot fix a problem that needs an honest conversation, an apology or a change in behavior. It does not make someone love you again, and no practitioner can promise a fixed result.
It can help you walk into the conversation steadier, speak more kindly, and notice what is in front of you. It can give structure to a time that otherwise feels shapeless. In Baba Ali’s experience, the people who benefit most are those who treat the ritual as preparation, and the conversation as the real event.
It also cannot make you do things you do not want to do. If you are going through this work and find that the more you sit with your ex’s name the more you feel relief at the thought of letting it go, honor that. Not every reopened door should be walked through.
Mistakes That Close the Door Again
- Sending a second message before the first has had time. Anxiety makes people feel that a day is a month. A day is a day.
- Treating a friendly reply as a promise. A warm “good to hear from you” is a warm reply. It is not an invitation to talk about your future.
- Arguing about the past in text. Typed arguments are longer, harsher and more permanent than spoken ones.
- Mixing spiritual talk into the message. Tell no one about your candle unless they ask, and your ex will not ask.
- Performing happiness. Posting a string of cheerful photos so your ex will see them reads as bait. Most people notice.
- Using alcohol for courage. It makes messages longer, softer and harder to take back.
- Watching their online activity. Every check of their profile resets your calm. Mute their stories during this period if you need to.
A Realistic Timeline
People ask how long all this takes. There is no honest fixed answer, because it depends on the ending, the time since, and two people’s readiness. A rough shape looks like this.
In the first week, you prepare. You do the readiness checks, perform the candle work, write and rewrite the first message, and send it, or decide not to. In the following two weeks, you wait without chasing. If your ex replies, you keep the exchange light for another week or two. If a phone call or meeting happens, it is usually within a month of the first reply, and it usually goes better when your ex proposes it. Deeper conversations, such as what went wrong and whether there is a future, tend to come after that, and often take several shorter talks rather than one long one.
Some people see warmth within days. Others hear nothing for months and then get a short, tentative message. Baba Ali asks people to measure progress by how they are speaking and listening, not by how quickly the other person answers.
Which Step Fits Where You Are Right Now
- You are still raw and writing drafts you would not want read aloud: do the preparation ritual, wait, and do not send anything yet.
- You feel steady and have a clear, honest reason to write: use the script that matches your situation and send it once.
- You sent something and the reply was warm: keep to the pace-matching rules and let your ex lead any move toward a call or meeting.
- You are confused about whether to reach out at all: a reading consultation helps more than another round of drafts.
- The conversation is going well and you want to rebuild something real: reconciliation work is the natural next layer.
- Your ex has asked for no contact, or the relationship involved harm: stop here, respect the answer, and use support in place of ritual.
Whatever your situation, your own conduct is the part you control. The ritual helps you become the version of yourself who can speak well, listen well and take an answer calmly. That is the foundation under every good first conversation, whether it leads to friendship, closure or a second chance.
Related reading: What Happens During a Voodoo Love Ritual.
Questions About Communication Spells for an Ex
Will a communication spell make my ex text me?
No honest practitioner can promise that. The work settles your side, softens the tone between you, and opens the road, but your ex keeps full freedom to answer, wait or decline. If you want to encourage contact, the practical steps in this guide, such as a short warm message and patience, matter as much as the ritual.
How long should I wait before contacting an ex?
There is no universal number, but a few weeks of distance helps most people settle. A better test than a calendar is whether you can send a message and handle silence in return. If your ex asked for space, honor it fully. If the silence has run for months, the guide on reopening communication after no contact walks through that timeline.
What should my first message to an ex say?
Keep it under forty words, ask for nothing heavy, and give your ex an easy way not to reply. A short hello, a specific apology if you owe one, or a plain practical question all work. Leave out the breakup, old pet names, guilt and any talk of rituals.
Should I call, text or meet in person first?
Start with the lowest-pressure channel, which is usually a text. A call is better after a few friendly exchanges, and an in-person meeting is best when your ex suggests it or readily agrees. Never turn up unannounced at their home or workplace.
Does this work if my ex has a new partner?
It can help you speak clearly and respectfully, but it should never be aimed at disrupting someone’s current relationship. In that situation Baba Ali usually suggests a reading first, so you can decide honestly whether contact is wise, and what you actually hope to say.
Can I do a communication ritual at home on my own?
Yes. The preparation ritual in this guide uses a candle, a dish of honey and a written line about your own conduct. It is a calming exercise more than a spell with an outcome. If you want deeper work, a honey jar sweetening spell is a professional version aimed at the same goal.
What if my ex answers and then goes quiet again?
That is common. Do not chase. Wait at least a week, send a single light message, and accept whatever comes. A pattern of starting and stopping can reflect your ex’s own uncertainty, which is better met with patience than with pressure.
When should I not contact my ex at all?
If your ex has asked you to stop, if the relationship involved threats, control or violence, or if contact leaves you in worse shape each time, do not reach out. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 offers confidential help. A boundary from another adult is a complete answer.
